Grief Through a Cultural Lens

Grief is often spoken about in quiet, sombre tones - sadness, tears, loss. But in reality, it is far more complex. It’s messy, confusing, and sometimes surprising in the ways it shows up. Since losing a close family member recently, I’ve been reflecting on how grief has shaped me - not just through sorrow, but through heightened sensitivity, frustration, confusion, and a deep re-evaluation of how I relate to those around me. These reflections are my own, a personal experience of grief, and may not reflect how others in my family coped.

As a counselling psychologist, I understand grief in theory. As a family member, I felt it in my body, in my thoughts, in the quiet moments that theory doesn’t always reach. It was a strange feeling, knowing the reality of what was happening, and yet still holding onto hope for a miracle. At least, I did. Part of me understood what was coming; another part refused to fully let go of hope. Even now, knowing they are at peace doesn’t make it any easier. Peace doesn’t erase absence. It doesn’t soften the ache of what could have been.

Grief Makes Us Act in Unexpected Ways

While I was holding onto hope and trying to process my own emotions, I also noticed how differently everyone around me responded to the situation. Some were in denial, some avoided the topic altogether, some offered clichés, others became overly practical, some disappeared, while others showed up in ways I hadn’t expected.

Grief can make us say the wrong thing.
It can make us go quiet because we’re scared of making it worse.
It can push us into busyness as a coping mechanism.
It can make us more emotional, irritable, or withdrawn.

And sometimes, grief can bring up unexpected emotions toward others too. I felt a quiet frustration at those who only appeared at the end - funeral full, messages flooding in, yet absent in the earlier days of the struggle. I was also disappointed that people I had supported in the past did not show up for me when I needed them most. At the same time, I reminded myself that some people are genuinely caring but may not know how to show up, or they might be dealing with their own challenges and struggles. Perhaps it was guilt, obligation, or discomfort with facing mortality that drove others’ behaviour. Recognising this helped me see that grief shapes not just our personal reactions, but our perceptions of those around us as well. 

None of these reactions are wrong. They are all human attempts to cope with something overwhelming, and understanding that has helped me feel a deeper sense of compassion for both myself and others.

Grieving Within Family and Tradition

Loss has a way of softening you. Small gestures feel bigger, and silence feels louder. Insensitive comments sting more than they used to, while simple acts of kindness can leave a profound impact. In South Asian communities, grief is often deeply communal. Families gather, rituals take place, food is cooked, and prayers are offered. This shared mourning can be deeply comforting, providing a sense of connection and tradition. 

At the same time, it can also feel overwhelming, especially for those closest to the loss, who may need quiet moments to process their emotions. Grief in South Asian families can be layered with expectations - stoicism, faith-based explanations, pressure to be strong, and the communal nature of mourning. These traditions can offer structure and meaning, but they can also silence individual emotional needs. Privacy and personal space aren’t always prioritised culturally, yet they can be essential for healing. It’s okay to honour your own needs amongst the rituals, to step back, to breathe, and to allow yourself to grieve in your own way - without guilt or shame. Compassion for yourself in these moments is just as important as the support we offer to others.

How to Support a Grieving Family

Supporting someone in grief doesn’t have to be complicated. Small, thoughtful gestures can make a profound difference:

• Give Space and Respect Autonomy: Check in gently without pressure. Say things like, “I’m here if and when you want to talk,” or “Would it be okay if I checked in next week?” This lets people know you care while honouring their need for privacy.

• Ask What They Need: Grief is deeply individual. Open questions like, “What would feel supportive right now?” or “Is there anything practical I can help with?” shift support from assumption to collaboration.

• Acts of Service Go a Long Way: In many South Asian families, love is expressed through action. Practical help can be lifesaving: dropping off food, assisting with school runs, supporting with paperwork, or sending a simple message that doesn’t require a reply. Presence and practical support often speak louder than perfect words.

Grief is personal, and there is no one right way to experience it. Holding onto hope, noticing your emotions, understanding others’ reactions, and balancing communal expectations all form part of the journey. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a loss, you’re welcome to book a free consultation call to explore how I can support you, at your pace and without judgement.

- Dr Ranjot Bhogal

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and should not be interpreted as a substitute for professional advice.